To All My Listeners In Radioland: VHF Etiquette

Foreword: I know a few of you know that the cap’n and I have made a difficult decision and have decided to put Agur’s Wish up for sale. It’s time for a new adventure. Thanks to those of you that wrote and ask that I continue the blog since I was wondering if I would be a pertinent voice for fellow First Mates if I no longer had a boat. But I decided I have 12 years of boat experiences I still want to write, bitch, laugh and cry about, and as long as the cap’n will have me, I’ll always be his First Mate on whatever voyage we choose. Now back to the business at hand. Oh, I have to mention that the cap’n is already trying to talk all of our new neighbors down Mexico into buying radios and starting a net.

Rule#1 Don’t Read the Mail!

If you’re new to the cruising life, you’re probably asking,

“How the hell do I even get my mail?”

I’m not referring to the traditional form of mail. What I’m referring to is the practice of listening to a boat hail another boat on a hailing channel and then you, with your twitchy little fingers, turn the dial or mash the little button to follow their traffic just so you know “what’s going on”. Okay, I admit I’m guilty of this on occasion. Hell, if I’m really bored, I’ll eavesdrop on people I don’t even know or care about. (I do it in restaurants all the time). I guess what I’m trying to tell you is, everybody does it, go ahead and do it but you need to get really good at acting like you don’t.

Some people are brazen, there was one boater I knew who would break into discussions about plans in which the boater wasn’t included and would ask if there was room for one more. I would say he had balls, but he was a she. Be warned! This is a big no-no and just about sounds the death knoll for any future cruising social life. Some groups of boats establish secret channels and when they want to have “private” conversations they just request that the other boat go to the secret channel.

This is a real VHF conversation:

“Agurmeister’s Wish, Agurmeister’s Wish, this is vessel Who Cares.”

“Who Cares, Agur’s Wish here. Channel 74, Steve?”

“Everybody hear that, we’re going up to Channel 74. Channel 74, everybody got that?”



Up on Channel 74...

“Who Cares this is Agur’s Wish”

“Who Cares here. Is everybody else here?”

Multiple clicks of the mikes lets us know our audience is listening.

“Hey, Who Cares how that medicine I gave you working?”

“Huh?” Who Cares replied, a little slow on the uptake.

“Is that drip starting to clear up?”

“Yeah, but it still burns like hell,” Who Cares replies, in the game now.

That’s when the cap’n made me get off the radio.

A few words of warning…Don’t say anything that you don’t want anyone overhearing. The VHF radio is a lot like a party line and people are listening.

If you decide to read the mail, prepare to get your feelings hurt--you might hear something you don’t want to hear, like your best friends are having sundowners on their boat and you’re not invited. When you run into them later you’ll have to wipe that hangdog look off of your face and act like you don’t know that they’ve ostracized you even though they know you know. Confused yet?

Rule #2 Don’t Become the Radio Police

You don’t need to attend an academy and no uniform or badge is required. All you need is a “need” to control traffic on the radio..

Everyone recognizes VHF channel 16 as the official hailing channel and for the most part it is respected. Every once in awhile an over excited fisherman or an over-served tourist will forget and has to be gently reminded to move their traffic to another channel. This is really no big problem and rarely happens on channel 16.

It’s when other channels are designated as spare calling channels that the problems start to occur. Don’t get me wrong, the practice of establishing spare calling channels is a great idea. It takes the load of social calling off of 16 and frees it up for businesses and emergencies. I’ve been in areas where there was no spare calling channel set up and channel 16 was a nightmare to try to get a call through on.

So what’s the problem?

These unofficial calling channels sometimes become a little bit like small unincorporated rural towns. They don’t have a mayor, a city council, or law enforcement so a self-chosen few appoint themselves to be all three.

Here is a common scenario on VHF channel 68, which is the spare calling channel in the Abacos…

The radio has been dead silent all day when all of a sudden…

“Desperately Clewless, Desperately Clewless calling vessel Severely Tackless”

“Severely Tackless back to Desperately Clewless”

“Severely Tackless, Admiral Clueless and I were wondering what you guys had planned for tonight?”

About this time you start hearing the desperate clicking of about a half-dozen distant mikes. Finally, one of them wins the contest and an authoritative voice booms across the radio waves.

“Gentlemen, please be advised that channel 68 is a hailing channel in the Abacos. Please move your traffic to another channel.”

The problem I have with this is, not only was Tackless not given the opportunity to tactfully remind his accomplice, Clewless, that they needed to switch channels but now I’ll have to get off my lazy derriere to read the mail. If they’d just been allowed to chat a little longer I could have decided whether it was worth it to get up and change the channel. So all you Barnie Fife’s out there, show some restraint and put the bullet back in the shirt pocket. Is there some sort of reward ceremony out there at the end of the year for the one that gets the most collars?

Rule #3 Don’t Dial Drunk

My Dad used to say his telephone bill always rose in accordance to his liquor bill.

If you feel a binge coming on, do everybody a favor and dismantle the radio in such a way that you will not be able to figure out how to put it back together again after you’ve had a couple.

If you choose to ignore this advice, you will be the only one within radio distance that doesn’t realize you are drunk, slurring, and completely unreadable, in other words, doing your best Foster Brooks imitation probably on one of the main hailing channels.

…And don’t be surprised when the whole anchorage shows up at your boat the next day for the cocktail part you forgot you invited them to.


Rule #4 Your Radio Has An Off Switch, Use It!

If you are not entertained or are totally disgusted by drunks who can’t find their boat or are just feeling lonely in the wee hours of the morning, turn your radio off before you go to bed. Unless you are an emergency responder or there is really horrible weather you really don’t need to leave it on. Unless, of course, you can’t sleep at night from worrying that somebody might be conversing on an unofficial hailing channel and you won’t be there to advise them to move their traffic.

Rule#5 The Easiest and Most Important Rule

I already said and I’ll say it again. Do not say anything on the radio that you don’t want everyone to know. No matter what channel you are on, even those sacred secret channels.

First Mate Mary is clear.