We had been diligently following Dave's "Driving to Mexico" Brownsville to Merida coastal route http://www.quadro.net/~shirley/Brownsville-Merida/ today's drive had taken longer than expected and dark was beginning to fall when we hit the outskirts of Minatitlan. We went in search of the only "excellent" hotel in town but after several rounds around busy downtown Minatitlan, and probably countless passes right by the "excellent” hotel we gave up. We had spotted the "Oasis" as we turned off hwy. 145 into town. We turned back toward it.
We paid scant attention to the razor wire adorning the high walls of the compound as we pulled in because...Hell, almost every place has razor wire in Mexico. I'm thinking of winding twinkly lights arounds ours next year for Christmas.
The clerk rushed out of the building to greet us. "The people are just so darn friendly and helpful down here." I thought to myself once again.
Did we want a room? She inquired.
"Si."
"Do we require anything "special"?"
"No, just someplace soft and warm to sink into." replied the cap'n.
"Si." the clerk nods knowingly.
"Cuanto cuesta? (How much?)" inquires the cap'n.
The clerk replies with an exceedingly reasonable amount.
"Boy, they weren't kidding when they said things were cheap down here," I think to myself once again.
It takes a minute for our sluggish brains to translate. She'd said per hora not por dia! Per hour not per day! We look at each other. Disgust and dismay are racing across my features while a salacious grin is blooming on the capn's.
We've landed at one the notorious hotel de paso. "A Love Hotel!"
"We'll take it!" the cap'n announces.
We park outside our assigned den of iniquity. Because we're hauling a trailer full of treasures for our new home, we can't fit into the attached garage. It doesn't matter. Because instead of sneaking in and out of this place like their usual client the cap'n is strutting around like a rooster for all to see.
I hurriedly run in to throw back the bedspread and check the sheets. Why the hell do I do this? If you could see the "critters" I'm afraid of catching, nobody would ever catch them. I can't imagine a conversation like the following ever takes place.
"Um... I notice you have quite an infestation going on down there. But what the heck? You only live once right? Let's go for it! C’est la Vie!"
The cap’n is now inside admiring the dance pole. My evil twin Kary May would have loved it. For my my uninformed amigos in Mexico, Kary May doesn’t dance with men because they spin her too fast and dip her too low. She only dances with trees and poles. Sadly, she still manages to fall down. Thank God I left her behind on Guana Cay in the Bahamas.
While I’m checking out the bathroom, the cap’n is busy surfing the channels.
“I’ll be damned! Four! Count them! Four adult movie channels!” Talk about a kid in the proverbial candy store. I can almost see the smoke billowing from the remote. At least they don’t require subtitles.
I’m starved and am relieved to find a printed room service menu taped to the wall over the phone. When I place my order, I am informed that it would be delivered via the little turnstile in the wall. I really didn’t understand why we had to be so secretive about a dang hamburguesa. But when in Mexico...
Let’s just say an hour later when my order was delivered, my Cuarto de libro, doble carne was not quite what I expected. I later found a full color brochure in drawer of the nightstand that illustrated the other “las especialidades de la casa”. Do people really buy that stuff or do they rent it? Por hora? Ewww!
No wonder there was a notable silence when I replied to the clerk’s inquiry,
“Nessecita el condons?”
“Si. Mas ketchup.”
Obviously, she hadn’t been asking if I needed condiments.
With all my appetites effectively killed, I fell asleep while the cap’n click, click, clicked away on the remote.
The next morning I’m showering in the see-through plexiglass shower while the cap’n click, clicks, clicks.
“Sweetheart, do you remember what channel the weather channel is on?”
“Yeah, right.”
I wonder what’s on the breakfast menu.
Happy Valentines Day!
3 comments:
I loved this story. Keep up the great writing.
Thanks, Malcolm.
Haha!! Too funny. Our whorehouse stay was in the Tabasco Inn in Villahermosa. I was never so grateful to check into any hotel after driving 16 hours through the pouring rain, into the mountains of Chiapas, and back again to Villahermosa. Now I'm thinking that the plenteous supply of no-tell motels will be perfect for when we move down with the dogs. Our little haven at the Tabasco Inn was clean, warm, dry, and room service was exceptional. All for $150 pesos, noches entire!
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